Well, summer's winding down. The kids and parents are descending in hordes on every mass merchandiser from coast to coast in search of this season's hot new trends in writing instruments, PDAs, and locker-mounted Web servers.

Columns By J. Scott Wilson Diary Of A Fat Man Ask The Cook Short Orders The Weird Chronicles

For those of us unencumbered by knee-high offspring, this is the prime vacation time. Within a week or so, we'll be able to hit the road and head for the wide-open spaces, safe in the assurance that we'll be able to find hotel rooms and eat in roadside restaurants without little Bubba in the next booth sharing his ice cream cone with our shirt collars.

I thoroughly enjoy road-tripping, now that I possess a vehicle not of age to vote. My old '75 GMC was a strictly in-town vehicle, and after four years, I'm still marveling at the ability of my Dodge Ram to tackle the open road with abandon.

In the spirit of vacation amusement and safety, this week we've got a trio of travel-related tidbits to help you on your way.

Road Food

Travelers in Wisconsin were forced to detour around a once-in-a-lifetime mess on Highway 29. A Tombstone pizza truck, carrying raw materials for the creation of the finest frozen pizzas on the planet, got a little too warm in transit and the dough began to rise, a process called proofing in the pizza trade.

The quickly expanding dough became the irresistible force, and the back door of the truck was not cut out to play the role of immovable object. The dough began at first to fall out in small, personal pizza-sized clumps, but quickly escalated to large economy-size deposits of yeasty goodness. The driver finally noticed his load was exiting the vehicle and pulled over. Cleanup crews were able to get most of the half-baked crust off the roadway, but some remained permanently affixed -- a whole new take on "road pizza."

WARNING: Food puns ahead.

I'm sure the leaking dough was the yeast of the driver's worries. I don't want to sound cheesy, but there could have been a Domino effect had other vehicles, say a Meatstang or an Excheesion, struck the droppings.

Got a pizza-based food pun to add? Let me dough!

Pack Carefully

When Renee Koutsouradis, returning from a Las Vegas vacation, was summoned by Clearwater, Fla., airport security and asked to open her bag on the tarmac, she had no idea she was about to become entertainment for the baggage workers and security personnel.

You see, in packing for her trip, Renee had apparently ensured that she would be prepared for any sort of vacation-related fun, and had placed a battery-operated adult toy (your plastic pal who's fun to be with) in her luggage. No doubt thinking it was a dangerous device, the airport workers forced Koutsouradis to remove the toy from her luggage and hold it up for view.

In her $15,000 suit against Delta Air Lines, Koutsouradis alleges that the three Delta employees "began laughing hysterically" and offered"obnoxious and sexually harrasing comments." She's suing Delta for intentional infliction of emotional distress, negligence and gender discrimination.

I'm not sure the gender discrimination bit is going to fly. I'll never forget how mortified I was when the security guys at the airport made me take out my talking teddy bear, Mr. Giggles, and prove that he wasn't an explosive device. Can I help it if I have trouble sleeping on the road? Stop staring at me!

More Delta Fun

In another example that proves that ANYONE can file a lawsuit, Philip Shafer is suing Delta Air Lines for seating him next to an obese person on a two-hour flight last November. Shafer claims he suffered embarrassment, severe discomfort, mental anguish and severe emotional distress from the flight.

It must have been truly severe distress. Indeed, it no doubt rendered poor Mr. Shafer incapable of even thinking about for the NINE MONTHS it took him to file suit.

I would call your attention to a recent news item: the ongoing public relations nightmare caused by Southwest Airlines' decision to enforce its policy requiring those of us carrying a wide load to purchase two seats. Now, were I a cynical sort, which lord knows I'm not, I might think that Phil saw this on the news, got to thinking, and decided to try for a quick buck.

Nah. That can't possibly be the case, can it?

Weird Film Festival

I originally intended this week's pick to fall on the splat-horror classic "From Beyond," loosely based on an H.P. Lovecraft work by the same name. Then I got to thinking.

There have been several splatteriffic films made, all claiming Lovecraft as their genesis, and all starring the creepiest guy ever to wear a Miskatonic U. sweatshirt, Jeffrey Combs.

"Star Trek: Deep Space 9" fans may know Combs as Weyoun/Brunt, annoying faceman for the Dominion. However, before he ascended to Trekdom he padded his cinematic resume with such films as the above-mentioned "From Beyond," "ReAnimator," "Bride of ReAnimator," and "Necronomicon," all inspired by the work of the Raven master, H.P. Lovecraft.

"ReAnimator" is, for my money, the best of the lot, and sure to be the centerpiece of your Jeffrey Combs film festival. Besides being a nicely creepy flick with some fairly good twists, it's got one of the great taglines in horror movie history: "Herbert West has a good head on his shoulders ... and another one in a dish on his desk." Enjoy!

Got a movie to recommend? A weird news item I've missed? Drop me a line.

Previous Stories:

• July 16, 2004: Get On The Bus
• June 25, 2004: The Weird Road Trip
• June 18, 2004: That's The Biz, Sweetheart
• June 11, 2004: Shall We Dance?
• June 4, 2004: Sympathy For The Twister
• May 21, 2004: America Celebrates
• May 14, 2004: A Boy And His Doughnut
• May 7, 2004: It's Not Them, It's Me
• April 30, 2004: A Weird Cacophony
• April 23, 2004: Sing Along With Mongo