I had the good fortune to grow up with a father who has a PhD in English and wicked sense of humor. Thus, from the time I was able to read, I was surrounded by highbrow writing and the most refined of humor.

Luckily, when I was about 20, I discovered writers like P.J. O'Rourke, Douglas Adams and Dave Barry. They helped cure me of those literary leanings and made me the booger-joke aficionado you know and love. (You DO love me, right? My father was also distant, which has left me with a pathetic need for approval from strangers.)

But seriously ... or not ... one thing all my reading and standup comedy/storytelling experience has taught me is that you can have the funniest idea in the world, but if you don't have the funny language in which to express it, you'd better be good at dodging thrown produce.

Here's an example:

Lame: I was late for my flight because I was attacked by an animal.

Funny: I was late for my flight because a gang of rabid pants weasels attacked me.

Just sit back and say "rabid pants weasels" out loud and try not to laugh. You can't, can you? The mental image is irresistible.

Let's try another one:

Lame: Lenny jumped around as if his pants had been filled with biting insects.

Funny:Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld jumped around as if he were being attacked by saber-tooth crotch crickets.

Sit back and say "Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld." You have to laugh, don't you? No? OK, try "saber-tooth crotch crickets." That should do the trick. It has the added bonus of sounding vaguely naughty because of the word "crotch." Crotch is one of those guttural words that makes almost anything sound more naughty and amusing simultaneously.

Now, let's see if we can use some of our amusing language to make this week's selections even more hilarious than they are already.

Gimme A 'D'!

Being a mortician isn't the liveliest job in the world (rim shot), and an Evansville, Ind., woman has taken steps to make sure she doesn't end up as unexciting as her clients.

By day, Amity Cash is a mortician, but on the weekends she picks up her pom-poms and works as a cheerleader for Evansville Bluecats of the National Indoor Football League.

She says no one can believe she's really a career mortician. At work she embalms bodies, drives the hearse and comforts the bereaved. Cash says being able to dance at the games is a welcome relief.

I'm sure the change in wardrobe is welcome, too.

If you think about it, though, a troupe of cheerleaders dressed in funerary garb might be downright intimidating to the opposing team, especially if a couple of them carried scythes as they cavorted on the sidelines.

Wisconsin's Most Wanted

From alert reader Steve Luccioni comes the happy news that Jasper the capuchin monkey is back with his owner, Tracie Cornelius, who'd been beside herself with worry since the little primate had scampered out of the Rock City Pub in Green Bay, Wis., and into the night.

News of the escaped monkey brought some unwelcome scrutiny to Cornelius, who didn't have a permit for the monkey. Jasper's presence in the bar wasn't exactly kosher either, according to local health codes.

Now that he's back home, Jasper has been secreted outside the city limits of Green Bay lest the animal control authorities lay hold of him.

Waitaminnit. This is GREEN BAY, the city where grown men go half-naked and paint themselves green when the temperature is 40 below. They're worried about a 2-pound monkey? I could see if it was, say, a rampaging Bear or a flock of nasty Eagles ... but a MONKEY?

Maybe Jasper is one of those specially trained monkeys who goes for the crotch when cornered.

See? And you thought I'd forget.

Beer As An Investment

From the fine folks who brought you Sam Adams, the Ultimate Yuppie Beer, comes Utopias, a brand of "extreme" beer that's going for as much as $300 a bottle at specialty stores and on eBay.

Boston Brewing founder and president Jim Koch, maker of the high-priced hooch, also sells Millenium Three, which is specially bottled to last until the year 3000.

Utopias is 24 percent alcohol, 48 proof, making it one of the strongest beers ever brewed. I'm thinking you'd have to polish off a six-pack to believe its brother brew would last 1,000 years.

On the other hand, it's a pretty easy claim to make. Who's going to be around to follow up? Is someone going to found a secret society centered on having a representative alive in 3000 to open the long-hidden bottle of Millenium Three and taste-test?

Actually, that's not a bad idea. If someone wants to send me a case of the beer, I'll give you my personal guarantee that I'll have a taster on hand in 3000 to give his report. Trust me.

So, what's weird in your world? As ever, I look forward to all letters, screeds, speeches or professions of undying love. Just drop me a line anytime!

• April 25, 2003: Tubular Weirdness
• April 18, 2003: Freaks Spring Eternal
• April 4, 2003: The Weird Wide Brit Web
• March 28, 2003: World Gone Mad
• March 21, 2003: Readers Rule The Roost
• March 14, 2003: Gimme Some MOAB Of That
• March 7, 2003: No Business Like Snow Business
• Feb. 21, 2003: What Is Weird?
• Feb. 14, 2003: Let's Get Dudical