Over the years, I've grown to have a very deep affection for all you folks out there in readerland. Every week, you trust me to provide you with a chuckle or three and the latest in weird doings.

Now, I'm going to go one better. At tremendous risk to my own personal well-being, I'm going to save your lives. No need to thank me! This is just my way of paying you loyal readers back for your unswerving devotion.

You see, a California attorney, Stephen Joseph, has filed suit to force Kraft Foods to stop marketing Oreo sandwich cookies to kids because they contain trans fats, which are linked to heart disease and high cholesterol.

His motives may be noble, but he's not going far enough. It is incumbent upon those of us with a wide audience (hey, I've got a LOT of cousins, and most of them read this column) to do our part to remove the deadly chocolate-sandwich danger from the cookie jars of American kitchens. I will not rest until every Toy Story lunchbox is free of the menace of cream filling!

Pack up your Oreos, and any other deadly snack foods you might have, and send them to me at:

Snack Disposal c/o The Weird Chronicles
1333 Northland
Mendota Heights, MN 55120

How can you tell if your snack foods are "bad" ones? If you enjoy eating them and they taste really good, they're no doubt infested with trans fats and all manner of other nonnutrional menaces. Twinkies, Ho-Ho's, Little Debbies, Tastykakes ... I'd pack 'em all up just to be safe.

And send them Priority Mail. I've got a picnic coming up.

Now let's see what other deadly menaces I can protect you from this week.

The Squirrels Are Back!

From alert reader Kathleen Rota, via Ananova.com, comes a story from Germany of an innocent 10-year-old girl who was climbing onto the lower branches of a tree when a squirrel appeared below her and began biting her shoe.

She attempted to climb higher to evade the enraged rodent, but he pursued until he'd driven the girl a good 30 feet up in the tree, at which point she realized she couldn't get back down on her own. Fortunately, passersby heard her crying and called a fire squad to rescue her.

I'd rather not even contemplate what might have happened had the squirrel returned with a platoon of his fellow evil nutmunchers.

Noted squirrel apologist Walter Koenig, from the German Park Authority, said, "The squirrel may have regarded her shoes as a rival, as they are very territorial at this time of year, or it may just have been protecting a store of nuts."

Get back on the bridge, Chekov, we're not buying it. I can tell when a man's been paid in acorns, and you've got crunchy shells all over you.

Known Squirrel Ally Inherits

From Great Britain comes the tale of Tinker the cat, who befriended elderly widow Margaret Layne and lived with her until her recent demise. At the reading of the will, it was revealed that Layne had left a $937,000 chunk of her estate to the feline, including her house.

The late Mrs. Layne's neighbors were named as trustees, and will inherit when Tinker shuffles off his mortal coil.

What a masterstroke! Not only does Tinker get a house, which his Evil Squirrel masters will no doubt turn into some sinister base of operations, he gets a staff of humans as his chattel, to attend to all his worldly needs.

Watch yourselves, folks! That sweet gray tabby cat that's made friends with kindly old Aunt Ethel may have been brainwashed by the treedwelling Machiavellis. He might be purring out one side of his mouth, while chanting squirrel power songs out the other.

Sheep On The Dole

Finally, from Manchester, N.H., comes news that the town's sheep have been laid off.

The Public Service Company of New Hampshire had been using the furry critters to eat the grass along the powerline rights-of-way, but this year they won't be renewing the flocks' contracts due to economic difficulties.

I smell a rat. A tree rat.

Power lines have long been known as main travel routes for squirrels. No doubt fearing that the sheep were in league with the anti-squirrel forces, the savvy little rodents no doubt began whispering in the ears of some of their human sympathizers. Next thing you know: no more sheep!

Urban Legend Of The Week

One of the latest crazes in the world of e-mail hoaxes is the fake celebrity (usually comedian) rant or "open letter."

Over the last two weeks here at the sprawling suburban Weird Chronicles offices, we've recieved any number of copies of a "U.S. Defense Plan" e-mail, the text of which is attributed to Robin Williams.

I won't compliment the author of this sorry screed by quoting it here, but suffice it to say it's a collection of redneck "send 'em home" sentiments and reactionary jaw-flapping. Anyone who's heard Robin Williams more than once knows that not only is he funnier than this, his political views are somewhere to the left of Ted Kennedy.

My soul brother David Emery, at the About.com Urban Legends site, backed up my findings, as did several other online hoaxbusters.

'Matrix' Tip!

No spoiler here: for those of you who have NOT been to this most amazing flick yet, and some of you who have who'll now have to go back: STAY THROUGH THE CREDITS! Yes, they ARE quite possibly the longest credits in the history of the universe, but you'll thank me. No, I'm NOT going to tell you why. Just trust me.

I welcome your comments, complaints, stories and professions of undying love. Large cash grants are also accepted. Just click here, type and send.

• May 9, 2003: Attack Of The Psycho Waiters
• May 2, 2003: Monkey Business
• April 25, 2003: Tubular Weirdness
• April 18, 2003: Freaks Spring Eternal
• April 4, 2003: The Weird Wide Brit Web
• March 28, 2003: World Gone Mad
• March 21, 2003: Readers Rule The Roost
• March 14, 2003: Gimme Some MOAB Of That
• March 7, 2003: No Business Like Snow Business