Every once in awhile, there's a week during which the announcements of technological "advancements" reach terrifying proportions.

Over the last few days, the Weird Wires here at the sprawling, Wi-Fi enabled, ISO 9000 certified suburban Weird Chronicles complex have been buzzing with several inventions from the brain boys that have alternately amused and worried me deeply.

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But before we get to that, there is a far greater threat to our national security that must be dealt with: Krispy Kreme is in trouble!

Let's face it, doughnuts are probably the one food on earth most vulnerable to the low-carb mania currently gripping America by its wallets and wattles. As the most decadent of doughnut creations, Krispy Kreme, is taking it on the chin as more and more of my fellow chubsters fall into the Atkins or South Beach lockstep. The chain's stock, once the darling of mutual fund portfolios everywhere, is tanking; and the bosses have announced plans to close several stores.

Just think of the horror: a Krispy Kreme store, home to the finest bits of glazed dough ever created on this planet, shuttered and dark, empty of the smiles of happy children and the delighted groans of those whose craving for hot glazed perfection has been satisfied.

On a side note: there are some new flavors on the menu at your local Krispy Kreme that might entice you to duck Dr. Atkins for an hour or so, including caramel, cheesecake and a Key Lime pie flavor that's got some great mouth-puckering tartness. Go ahead. I promise not to tell on you.

Any of you who've frequented the Food section know that I'm dieting, and have lost darned near 50 pounds since January. And guess what? I do "sin" occasionally! We are hedonistic critters -- Richard Bach calls us "the otters of the universe" -- and prolonged self-deprivation is just going to lead to an inevitable rebound that could find you curled up in the corner pounding down Moon Pies as fast as you can unwrap them.

Therefore, I am declaring a holiday! Next Tuesday, May 18, is to be National Eat A Doughnut Day. I'm not even going to insist it be a Krispy Kreme, but I want ALL of you to find your favorite purveyor of baked goods and buy at least one. Eat it free of guilt, knowing that you are joined by thousands (OK, dozens) of Weird Chronicles readers all across the country ... even the world!

Be sure and write in with your tales of how you observed our new holiday. Just click here. Send your digital photos, too!

And now, back to our regularly scheduled technoparanoia:

Shoes That Think

Remember the good old days, when you had to pump up your shoes if you wanted to change the fit? Well, according to Adidas, your shoes will now take care of all that nonsense for you.

The Adidas One has a microchip that drives a tiny screw and cable system that adjusts the heel support to compensate for various road conditions. It'll only set you back about $250.

I'll be first in line to buy if they can guarantee me the shoes will also sense when I'm parked on the couch for an extended period of time and signal Pizza Hut to deliver me a Pepperoni Lover's and a 2-liter of Mountain Dew.

How Many Bytes Could A Wood Mouse Chuck?

Luddites rejoice! Tired of your boring old plastic monitor, mouse and keyboard? According to this story, Swedx, a Swedish company, will craft you nifty new peripherals fashioned from Chinese ash, mahogany or beech. They aren't doing CPU cases yet, but have had requests.

So now, when you get mad enough to take an ax to your computer, you can have some satisfying splinters rather than that lame old broken plastic.

I can see it now: wizened old craftsmen in Appalachia sitting on sagging front porches painstakingly whittling PalmPilots and Game Boys out of native hardwoods ... the Sierra Club protesting because old-growth forests are being logged to make laptops ... and then, 10 years down the road, some enterprising company introduces "retro" plastic mice and other peripherals and makes a bazillion dollars.

Tickle Me, Xbox

Easily the most frightening news of the week, however, is a snippet coming from the Electronic Entertainment Expo, known as E3 to the joystick crowd. It's so bizarre it sounds like the plot for a sequel to that '80s geek hit, "Weird Science."

Launching soon in Japan, and then taking over the world, will be Microsoft's new and improved Xbox Live service. It will offer predictable upgrades like video chatting and background music ... but there's a far more disturbing option planned: users of the chat service will be able to "tickle" one another by making the Xbox controllers vibrate in the hands of the person being tickled.

It doesn't take a genius to figure out how grossly misused this technology is going to be. Every sex site in the known universe is going to be trying to come up with its own "Xbox compatible" game or other ... service. I'm sure a line of oddly shaped game controllers can't be far behind.

And now, I'm going to have to stop thinking about all this for a while and go read a book. You remember books, right?

Let me hear from you! Drop me a line and tell me what's weird in your world. Professions of undying love and large cash grants are, as ever, also accepted.

Previous Stories:

• May 7, 2004: It's Not Them, It's Me
• April 30, 2004: A Weird Cacophony
• April 23, 2004: Sing Along With Mongo
• April 9, 2004: Mongo Movie Madness
• April 2, 2004: Sweating Like An Oldie
• March 12, 2004: Put It In Writing
• March 5, 2004: The Sporting Way
• Feb. 27, 2004: It's A Cat's Life
• Feb. 13, 2003: For Love Of Munchies