We've all felt the sting of an unprovoked attack. You're toddling along, living your life, and out of nowhere your reputation (or your body) is imperiled. Some people seem to thrive on pouncing on unsuspecting targets and just stirring up nonsense.

Cultural institutions are not immune to this, as I've learned this week in the case of The Mustard Museum, an institution much beloved by the Weird Chronicles.

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The attack in question came from a completely unexpected quadrant, that bastion of Americana and all things middle-of-the-road, Reader's Digest.

In this month's issue, they listed "5 Museums Not To Plan Christmas Around," listing the Mustard Museum along with such oddities as the Celery Flats Interpretive Center, in Portage, Mich., the Greyhound Bus Origin Center, in Hibbing, Minn. , the Macauly Museum of Dental History, in Charleston, S.C., and the National Museum of Funeral History, in Houston.

Without a doubt, the Mustard Museum is not a "standard" tourist attraction. It's better! Where else can you see a real, live mustard chef creating delicacies from your favorite condiment? Where else can you get authentic Poupon U. degrees and clothing? Where else can you choose from hundreds of different types of mustard to create your own ultimate flavor delight?

Oh, and the Digest's only reason for not visiting the museum? "Thousands of mustards; not a hot dog in sight."

According to Barry Levenson, curator of the museum, "They obviously weren’t here on National Mustard Day, when we gave away 2,000 hot dogs as part of a village-wide celebration that raised nearly $2,000 for local charities. Besides, our staff is the biggest bunch of wieners in the country."

Surely there are other tourist attractions more deserving of being on the list. The Smithsonian, for example! Sure, they've got a couple dozen museums and a boundless collection of antiquities and curiosities, but do they have Royal Bohemian XXX Hot Horseradish Mustard? I think not! Does the Museum of Modern Art, in New York City, have Singing Pig Wine Garlic Mustard? Not a chance!

Show your support for Barry and his fine work in defense of the noble condiment. Visit The Mustard Museum and let the folks there know you support them wholeheartedly.

And those of you with subscriptions to that Reader's Digest rag, write a letter to the editor demanding a retraction. Tell them to go back to running "I Am Joe's Pancreas" articles and leave our beloved cultural institutions alone.

And With Your Mustard ...

How about a cheese sandwich? If you haven't heard about the eBay auction for the "Virgin Mary" grilled cheese sandwich yet, you must have been living under a rock. To catch up on the story, just click here.

Of course, as such things will, the storyline has only gotten weirder. As of earlier this week, there were auctions for a rotating shrine, a kit to make your very own sandwich and even another sandwich with the images of Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen on it.

Humans are such nutty, amusing creatures.

Crossed Wires

I see that my moving out of Texas has not increased the sanity quotient in that state at all.

The town of Spurger's high school, like most schools, had a "cross-dress" day, when the male and female students would swap clothes and social roles for a day. Some schools call it Sadie Hawkins day. At my high school, West Brook, in Beaumont, it was TWIRP (The Woman Is Required To Pay) Day.

Of course, because the kids were having fun with it, there just HAD to be something evil and wrong with it. The ultraconservative nutburgers got their panties in a knot, claiming that the day had "homosexual overtones."

The spineless school district immediately rolled over, of course, replacing the day with Camo Day. So now, instead of swapping clothes, the kids will all dress up in paramilitary camouflage duds.

Ask me if I'd rather have my son wearing a poodle skirt or paratrooper duds. Go ahead, ask.

Got any holy figures appearing on baked goods? Space aliens landing in the pansies? Drop me a line, anytime! As ever, large cash grants and professions of undying love are accepted.

Previous Stories:

• Nov. 12, 2004: My Life As A Rennie
• Nov. 5, 2004: Why Can't They Be Like Us?
• Oct. 29, 2004: The Haunted Column
• Oct. 15, 2004: Going Ghost Hunting, Part 2
• Oct. 8, 2004: Going Ghost Hunting, Part 1
• Oct. 1, 2004: So Weird It's Scary
• Sep. 24, 2004: I'm A Lumberjack ...
• Sep. 17, 2004: Barkeep, More Grog!
• Sep. 3, 2004: Enjoy The Ride
• Aug. 27, 2004: Fuzzy Menace IV: The Sugar Land Incident