With the recent semi-retirement of Dave Barry from the field of booger-columnist play, it occurs to me a power vacuum has been created. Well, folks, I'm here to fill it. In the words of Al Haig, "I'm in charge, here."

I hope Dave enjoys his retirement. Truth to tell, he just hadn't been so funny since he ignored my offer to match up a shoebox of Texas insects against his wussy Florida insect life.

Columns By J. Scott Wilson Diary Of A Fat Man Ask The Cook Short Orders The Weird Chronicles

So it's going to be a busy time here in the world of fringe journalism, but I'm ready for it. I've got a history of taking jobs right when things start jumping.

I started my short career as a movie theater manager the weekend before "Jurassic Park" opened.

I started my first restaurant job (Hooter's) on Super Bowl weekend.

I started dispatching for a messenger service that had contracts with Godiva and Tiffany's during Christmas.

And I started here, with the company that runs your local site, a week before the 2000 presidential election ... and we all know how much fun that was in the news business. For a while, I thought I lived in Broward County, Fla., I'd read so much about the place.

And now, as I start four more years here in the sprawling suburban Weird Chronicles complex, I'm ready for it to get busy once again. Whether it's Evil Squirrels launching attacks, or just your average Joe Don Bubba Wayne Junior doing something stupid, or even something from the dark recesses of my own twisted cerebellum, I'll be here.

And speaking of old Joe Don, let's see what he and his ilk have been up to of late ...

What's For Dessert?

Kate Stelnick, you are my dream girl.

Why, you ask? Well, according to the story, Kate became the first person in the history of Denny's Beer Barrel Pub to down Ye Old 96er, a five-pound hamburger that comes with six pounds of fixin's. She did so within the three-hour time limit ... with six minutes to spare.

She didn't eat for two days before the feat, and did confess to feeling "full" afterward.

Now, I've seen this burger on FoodTV, and seen any number of burly Teamster-type guys sit down and try to consume it without success. Can you imagine the general consternation when a 100-pound coed polished it off?

Kate, if you're ever in North Carolina, there's an all-you-can-eat barbecue joint I want you to help me put out of business.

Location, Location, Location

It's somewhat traditional to have a neighborhood bar near a police station, a place where the men and women in blue can meet to unwind and discuss the day.

What's not so traditional, however, is to have a brothel within shouting distance of the local lockup.

Imagine the surprise, then, when the cops in Concord, Calif., discovered a very high-dollar skin joint operating out of an apartment building near the headquarters. The ladies, according to one of the officers, were "very, very attractive" and charging upward of $260 an hour for their, erm, services.

If I were the sort of man who frequented bordellos, I think I'd probably have qualms about going to one so close to where I could end up being taken if things went awry.

That hourly rate puts me in mind of what Robert Heinlein said about ladies of the evening:

A prostitute should be judged by the same criteria as other professionals offering services for pay -- such as dentists, lawyers, hairdressers, physicians, plumbers, etc. Is she professionally competent? Does she give good measure? Is she honest with her clients? It is possible that the percentage of honest and competent prostitutes is higher than that of plumbers and much higher than that of lawyers. And enormously higher than that of professors.

I'm not saying I agree with it, mind you. I'm not saying I don't. It's just food for thought.

Fish And WAY More

An employee at Long John Silver's in Conroe, Texas, is under arrest, suspected of packing more than cole slaw as side orders in to-go boxes.

According to police, John Sweeten, the manager of the restaurant, sold marijuana packed in to-go boxes in the parking lot.

I've heard of bingeing on fast food when you're stoned, but this is making the circle a little too complete.

Got Bigfoot in the petunias? Aliens in the crawl space? Drop me a line anytime! Large cash grants and professions of undying love are always accepted.

Previous Stories:

• Jan. 14, 2004: How I Spent My Winter Vacation
• Jan. 7, 2005: The Weird Year In Review!
• Dec. 17, 2004: When I Was A Kid ...
• Dec. 10, 2004: Grinching It Up
• Dec. 3, 2004: I Lost On 'Jeopardy,' Baby
• Nov. 19, 2004: Mustard Fans, Unite!
• Nov. 12, 2004: My Life As A Rennie
• Nov. 5, 2004: Why Can't They Be Like Us?
• Oct. 29, 2004: The Haunted Column
• Oct. 15, 2004: Going Ghost Hunting, Part 2