Dear DoubleTake,
I have been married to my husband for 5½ years. A little over a year ago, I confessed to him that I had been cheating for four months. He was completely devastated, hurt and angry.
Once everything was out in the open, I didn't exactly act the way I should have. Quite frankly, I wasn't putting forth any effort to repair what I had done. I told him that I wouldn't do it again, and he said that he believed me.
A few months later, it happened again, with someone else. My husband found out from my mom about six months ago. Once again, I broke his heart.
Since then, I have been trying to do everything that he asks of me so that I can rebuild and regain his trust. I can honestly say that I am completely in love and devoted to no one else but him, and that's how I want it for the rest of my life. But he has asked me for a divorce.
I know that he hasn't even started to try and move past this, and I want to help him do that. He tells me that he thinks about it everyday, because a song or a TV show will remind him. He tells me that he can't deal with it, because he fears that I will do it again.
I need some sort of way that I can put his mind at ease. I want to prove to him that it will not happen again. I now call to let him know where I am going every time I leave to do something. I don't ever go anywhere by myself, except to work.
I know that by doing them it puts his mind at ease for that day, but it is the long-term feeling that I want to help him settle.

BETTY SAYS:

It's possible that your husband will never be able to get past your adultery. At this point, I think it's better that you both focus on healing yourselves individually rather than the relationship itself.

Perhaps the cheating stems from a fear of being alone? It's important that you figure out why you decided to turn to this risky behavior. Getting to the bottom of it through behavioral therapy will help lead you on that path to redemption.

There could be some perks to getting a divorce. First, it frees up your husband to go seek a new path. He deserves a chance to start fresh, rather than having looming option of sticking around but not really forgiving you. Second, it gives you a break from the guilt as well. This could be a great chance to enter into a counseling program and find out why you started cheating in the first place.

Move on from this experience by allowing real personal change in your life. You and your husband both need some time to recover, so take it slow.

EDDIE SAYS:

Do you know how an earthquake works? Pressure builds up over hundreds, thousands or millions of years. Then, there's a spectacular moment of release. After that, the landscape can be scarred for years.

Your husband finding out about what you did was a massive temblor, but you want everything to be put back into place in less than a year. That just is not how things work. The few moments it took for you to destroy everything will take much, much longer to repair.

You can act well, you can behave well, you can check in frequently if that works for your husband. But nothing you can say or do will magically make him feel better. The only thing that will bridge the gap is you spending years and years loving him and letting it settle.

I don't agree that you should look at divorce as a step toward healing if you want to stay together. Opening a gulf that big makes it nearly impossible to bridge it later. You have to tell your husband what you told us about wanting only to be with him and wanting to make it work.

But at this point, he gets the power to decide if you keep trying. It may feel unfair that he gets the big vote, but you -- as you seem to realize -- put yourself in the situation.

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Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view: one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Betty, a single woman in her 20s.

E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.

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Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions. Double Take Archive:
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